I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
did you just send me my own nude
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
