maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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