I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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