he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
