a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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