At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
