dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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