I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
