There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
