All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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