just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
