Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
