Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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