Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
