dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
