i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
