He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
