I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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