Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I still have a little drunk in my system
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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