life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
