You just made me feel so damn special
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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