i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
