so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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