Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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