We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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