I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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