How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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