hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
