We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I met the friendliest cop last night
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
