You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
