we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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