Sorry, I don't speak sober.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
