I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
