Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
