I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
