if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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