so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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