proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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