yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
