My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
