I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
