I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
