I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
