So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
