Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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