her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
