I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Randomize
