You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
