I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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