I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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