textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
