but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
